A couple of times in the year, as I grow older, I feel a little bit depressed. It's not like normal depression or anxiety. It's more like a mourning!
One is at New Year. I've had some amazing memorable New Year's. I've had fun, I've been to parties, I've been outside cheering in the next year, I've been with people I love, and so much more. But as I get older I can't be bothered to go out anymore. The pubs charge a huge inflated amount. If you go to a party one of you has to be a designated driver or you pay an extortionate amount for a taxi after midnight. The fireworks keep me awake and upset the cat's. And, most of all, it's another year gone. Another year when my parents are older. Another year gone where Neil and I haven't won the lottery (ha ha). Another year when I'm still fat, grey haired and not living the dream. Gosh, I sound like a grumpy old lady don't I? But as you get older you honestly realise the years speed away, and your life is racing by, without you being able to slow it down. You would think that you would make a huge effort to have each day meaningful and wonderful, savouring it, but daily life just gets in the way. I wish I was one of those positive upbeat people who can look on the bright side all the time, but I'm not. Sometimes my daily life grinds me down, and I suspect it's like that with a few people.
The same thing happens as Spring appears. Now I know that is daft to a lot of people, but today I woke up with a bit of sadness. The last couple of days have been glorious. We have had blue skies and mild sunny weather once the mists have disappeared. It's been like an early Spring, and the daffodils are in bloom already. The tweeting birds woke me up this morning. I love the dawn chorus especially when the early mornings are beautiful and warm, but Spring appearing always gives me a lump in the throat. I feel a bit sad. I adore Winter and the crisp cold weather. I hate the rain and wind, mind you, but I like the cosiness of it all, and the wrapping up and staying in by the fire. I love Christmas. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that I was born in the Autumn/Winter time? Some people suggest you have an affinity with the time of year you are born? But once again I feel like I'm mourning time passing by. It's makes me sad that I can't do anything about it too.
I always thought I wouldn't mind the growing old bit, but since the arthritis and fibromyalgia has kicked in my body just wont behave like it could do at my age. I am not old! I still want to do things but sometimes I just can't. I hurt too much and sometimes I ache until I cry. I always thought I would be one of those fit and healthy women, growing old, going to pubs and dinner and being surrounded by friends as we sip our wine making idle chitchat, laughing. It isn't turning out to be like that. I think that's why I am sad. I need to focus on my strengths and look to a good future instead, but I still feel that tinge of sadness as the season's change and become warmer. Another year gone, another year flying past.
I wonder if anyone else feels like this or is it just me?
No comments:
Post a Comment