Love conquers all.

Tuesday is my day off work and I always visit my parents in the morning. Mum had a second fall over a year ago, and my dad isn't too well, so I like to see them twice a week and phone them every day. The phone call maybe only lasts a few minutes, though we can chat for over half an hour sometimes. I just like to know they are okay, and how they have been that day. It's probably also because, when my mum had her first fall, I wasn't in contact with them every day. I maybe telephoned twice a week just to organise when we would get together, which was generally each Saturday morning. I remember it was a Thursday evening two years ago, and I phoned because Neil and I were off for the week and I wanted to pop by the next day. There was a pause and then my mum said 'That's fine but I better tell you something first'. I had no idea what she was going to say, but when she said she had had 'a little fall' on the Tuesday and was 'a little bruised' I was horrified that they hadn't told me straight away. When we visited the next day I cried because of my shock at the state of my mother's face. She had tripped on the seatbelt as she got out of their car. It hadn't reeled back, she didn't notice, and her foot caught in it. She had nothing to hold on to as she lost her balance, and as a consequence she fell completely flat on to the pavement. Her face took the brunt. My dad called an ambulance and she was well tended to, but she didn't want to be admitted to hospital. The paramedics left them instructions and medication, and I suppose mum must have been relatively alright for them not to insist she went with them? When we visited it was three days after the fall. Mum's bruising had started to come out and she honestly looked like someone had beaten her up. The skin around her eyes were purple and blackened. Her cheeks were purple and green and her lips were bloodied still. She was aching all over and obviously still shaken. So was my dad. I was so upset, first because of how mum looked, and second because neither of them had told us, and possibly wouldn't have if they hadn't had to warn us before we actually saw the damage done. It still upsets me to think that I had no clue what had happened that day. 

During the visit, on that Friday, we made a pact that my parents would always tell us if anything similar happened again. Since then I have always telephoned once a day. I think it's brought us even closer together. My parents know we care about them, and I think it gives them comfort to know we are there to support them whatever. It also means that any niggles or worries they have had during that day are usually spoken about in the call, and if need be I can jot a note down to sort them out. Because my dad has struggled to deal with some things over the last year I now have complete access to their bank accounts, and have all the passwords for everything. There are two identical folders, one at our house and one at my parents. The folders have all the information any of us could need, such as which gas and electric company mum and dad use, what insurances they have, and such like. It is set out alphabetically, and means my father can look at it to see what he needs to log on to the internet. You see he is getting a bit forgetful. It doesn't matter if you explain things to him because he forgets sometimes, and this way he has the independence to check on a detail without asking me, but I can also check things. I look at his email account once a week as a lot of the bills are on line......his choice not mine. It also means I can sort out some things from home without having to go over to their house. Mum and dad trust me with all this, and so does my brother. It's a privilege to help, and it means a few less things to worry about, for them and us. 

I haven't mentioned my brother much before. He lives over an hour away, and doesn't drive because he suffers from epilepsy, and he also has just got over bowel cancer. His partner has arthritis and finds it hard to drive their car for any distance without her hands seizing up. We keep in touch each week, and I keep him up to date with what's going on with mum and dad. Even though they aren't that far away, and they can come by train, it is hard for them to visit as much as I can. Neil and are only live twenty minutes away, or half an hour when the traffic is heavy. It doesn't worry me that I take the main weight of checking my parents, as they have done so much for Neil and me I feel I can never repay them enough anyway. I love them dearly and this is easy for me. I know my brother is grateful so it's all fine. 

Because of the falls, and my dad being forgetful sometimes, together we have all had the conversations about what will happen when my parents find it too difficult to cope. Neil and I have sat down and chatted together too, generally working out what we may have to do. Mum has a fear of being left to die in a nursing home or a hospital, and I have told her neither of them need to worry as we will be there to look after them. Neil and I have decided we will move in with them and we will go from there. My parents know this and it has given them peace of mind I think. It could be fun with four indoor cats, but I cant bother with worrying about the logistics right now. When the time comes we will deal with it. I am scared when I think about it and that's why I don't. I've looked up some information and entitlements, and I m not afraid to talk to any professionals and get help if we need it. I think Neil's breakdown has worried my parents though, and I know they don't want to ask us for too much help right now. Because of this, I make sure that I reassure them often that all we have decided will stand, irrespective of what is happening right now in Neil and my life. Neil aggress with me, and I know he would say if he felt it wasn't possible or he couldn't cope with it. 

This morning on the breakfast television there was a discussion about carers, and how often they feel isolated and alone. It made me realise that, in spite of our good intentions, the future may not be as easily sorted as I want. But I stand by my promise to my parents, and even if my dad ends up with dementia, and I think and hope his forgetfulness is age related, I will still manage because I am determined to. 

I will help my parents. It is the least I can do for them in return for all they have done for me in my life, and for us as a family. It's what they deserve, and my love for them and my family will see us through any hard times. Love conquers all.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/introduction-to-care-and-support/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/introduction-to-care-and-support/

https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/new-to-the-forum/caring-for-elderly-parents-33939

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/carers-allowance/

https://ouragingparents.net/tag/checklists-worksheets/