We all have 'bad patches' in our lives and I've having one right now. To my utter horror I also had quite hard serious 'friend envy' yesterday.
It's been a tough last seven months. Neil has been ill, mentally and physically. We've had some rough money problems. My parents seem to be declining rather more rapidly than I could wish for, needing more support. I don't feel one hundred percent myself for some reason, and a few other things have happened. I have smiled on the surface, and cried in the bedroom when no one could see me, especially Neil. He certainly didn't need to know I was finding it all a bit overwhelming at times. Which brings me to seeing my friend yesterday.
I suppose the whole situation didn't help. I was at work and we had been awfully busy. I had been rushed off my feet and was in the brief lull of trying to catch up. I felt a little bit frazzled and my friend , who I hadn't seen for a while, walked through the door. No, hang on, she glided through the door with a bright fantastic smile at seeing me. I was genuinely pleased to see her as we haven't seen each other for ages. My life is a bit different now from when we used to go out all the time together. It was literally a really brief three minute snatch at conversation, and for some reason later in the day I felt really fed up about everything and nothing.....
My friend looked great. I got jacket envy immediately, as she had a fabulous lime green and white ski jacket on. Green is my favourite colour. Her hair was short and spiky and certainly not home coloured and she was, of course, slimmer and very obviously happier than me. This is all my perception though, but actually she really was looking good. Even today I can admit that she radiated contentment and that sort of glow when it's all going great. Right then I had the most bitter 'friend envy' I've ever had. Well actually I've had it a tiny bit before, but not so it made me feel really down and very flat.
That friend has had some very tough times in her life. She's lost her parents, had problems with her children, struggled with knee problems and been through a nasty divorce, so she has not had it all easy by any means. It's clearly got passed that stage now, and I know she is really happy and her life is good, and I am glad. I really and honestly am glad. I just wish mine was like that. That does not mean I wish my parents were dead. I've put that really bluntly because I know what I just wrote could have sounded like that!! I love my parents dearly, and no amount of support that they need is ever going to be too much for me. I cannot ever help them enough, and I mean that sincerely. I suppose it's just everything all coming at once pulled me down a bit. The final straw was this week Neil starting to work for an Agency, and his car breaking down. He had two very extreme long days where he came home looking so ill I was scared, and the damn car broke down when he was coming back from Exeter. It'll cost about three hundred pounds to fix, and is in the garage right now after an AA tow all the way home. As a result he's had to use my car so I am using the bus to get to work and back. Depressing at the best of times. As the week has gone on it has been improving for Neil, thank goodness, and last evening he leant against me and said he had just had the best day for a very long time and he had really enjoyed himself. Many of the people he will see are ex squaddies like Neil. I know he will like all this. I gave him a big hug and said how glad I was, and also how worried I have been, and that was that.
I had a little cry in bed later. It all just got a bit naff for a moment or two. I got that maddening 'friend envy' and actually envied Neil for feeling good. How terrible is that? I am quite horrified and more than a little distressed that I felt like that. It isn't as if my life is so terrible compared to many many people, so I hope this is a little blip and I will not get 'friend envy' again. It was all circumstantial and it was just a bad end to a bad week....or month....or several months. I know this will pass and it will get better, which is more than can be said for some other people's lives. It was all in the moment. Deep down I admire my friend for getting through her problems, and if I can look half as serene as her after it all then I will be a very happy person. It's something I can look forward to. (though secretly I wish it would hurry up.....)
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/advice/a4478/friend-envy/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201507/7-reasons-why-we-envy-our-friends-and-vice-versa
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