I know men often find it hard to talk about how they are feeling, particularly if they are depressed or anxious. I know this because my lovely husband Neil had a breakdown last October ,and it was one of the most traumatic things I have ever witnessed.
I suppose if I had known what to look for maybe I would have seen Neil's breakdown coming, but I didn't. That's in spite of having suffered from anxiety myself, and even being signed off work with it some years ago. But Neil always placed himself as a 'strong man', 'the provider of the family', the person who supported me, the one who would never let any of us down. I use the last words sadly, because that's the words Neil has used so often over the last six months. 'I've let you down'....'I feel like I am letting you down'. He hadn't in any way at all but it didn't stop him thinking it or saying it quite regularly to me. It didn't matter what I said either, it was how he felt.
Neil had been under incredible stress at his work for about eighteen months. I knew this, and tried to make our home life as easy as I could. In the end we discussed him looking for another job, and with this in mind one weekend he drafted his resignation for three months ahead. Within a week of doing this it was like the relief was all too much and he had a breakdown. He literally started to shake while we were out shopping the following Sunday, and was extremely quiet. I asked if he wanted to go home and he said yes. Within minutes of arriving home he had collapsed on the sofa in extreme distress.
I am going to be very honest. I was scared silly. Scared to see this man I loved in total bits. He had always been incredibly supportive of me and my family, but it was clear he needed help quickly and I made an emergency appointment to see a doctor the next day. Our doctor was amazing and let me explain what had happened, as Neil genuinely couldn't speak. He was given tablets to help the anxiety and lots of tips and help with how to cope. I've let Neil get through this how he wanted to. Everyone is different. When I had my anxiety attack years ago all I could do was cry for what seemed like no reason. But I did also make myself go out every day, just down the road, and pick up a paper and a bread roll. It was the only way I could get myself out of the door. Neil physically shook, was white as a sheet, and couldn't do anything but sit and do absolutely nothing at all. I took a few days off work but had to go back eventually because, to be honest, I had to let Neil deal with it himself. That isn't to say I didn't worry myself silly while at work, and it was very hard to do, but we both felt I needed to get back to some normality. I used meditation to help me, but Neil couldn't get on with it. He saw the doctor every week, and talked about how he was feeling and what he was doing. It was a very slow gentle journey to where we are now. There was one minor set back when Neil became physically ill with a perforated bowel. He has been diagnosed with diverticulitis and, as many people do with this condition, he just has to be a bit careful what he eats. Going through the process of the diagnosis didn't help his anxiety and Neil went through a stage of serious depression too. But we got through it.
Six months down the line we have turned a corner. During all this time we made sure we talked when Neil wanted to, and I just made his life as easy as I could. He cooked for us and helped me clean the house, and I think this very mundane work helped the healing process too. Once his diagnosis for diverticulitis was complete and we knew what to do, Neil went out and got himself signed on to an agency. He is now doing work he really likes even though it is long hours. He looks brown (driver's suntan he says) and has lost the weight he put on over the last few months of doing very little. He actually smiles and even laughs. Six months ago he couldn't do either.
What I want to say about this is that Neil felt he had to be the 'strong man' of the family. He's an ex army man and they are taught to 'man up', as he told the doctor. Neil is also a proud man, and it was hard for him to admit he needed help. I wish he had, as I had no idea he felt so bad. It frightens me to think how scared he must have been and how lonely. So what I want to say to all the men...….and women …….and young people...…..out there, is please, please, tell someone. You will be surprised how many people feel the same, or have done in the past. You will be surprised how many people will understand and can help you. You are not alone. If you cant physically speak to someone go to a forum or chat on line. There is help out there, someone to listen to you, and people to hold your hand as you step forward. I will say it again......you are not alone, and there is help for you, I promise. We are here for you.
https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/#.XOLsdEpFzIU
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
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