The death of a loved one can bring a family together or tear it apart. Currently there are cracks in my family.
There's a couple of examples I can think of right now that make me realise that death is not an easy thing for many people to cope with. I sometimes read articles that state we in the UK, and many other Western countries, don't discuss death very well. It's such an obviously emotive subject and affects every single one of us, yet we cant talk about it. A couple of year ago Neil and I had a progressively drunken emotional conversation about what we would like our funerals to be like. We picked our music and wrote it all down. We honestly had to be quite off our heads to discuss it, which is silly really. Anyway, to be frank, we haven't a lot of money, so our funerals will be cheap! We've recently got better at talking about what could happen, especially when something comes on television. For example the parameters around organ donation are probably changing soon and we discussed what we wanted. It's becoming easier to talk about it all finally.My mother has lost most of her siblings, and her parents. She is German born, but has had British nationality for the majority of her life. She couldn't go to all of the funerals, something which distressed her very much, and still causes her a lot of tears. Sometimes, though, I am glad she didn't go there. The falling out that happened around the will and inheritance was absolutely horrendous, and it went on for a long time. Even now there are still mutterings from some of my relatives about who should have got what. Maybe it would be easier to be in contact now-a-days because of the internet, but years ago my mother didn't know what was happening until after it all did. I personally am glad, because I think it would have been even more distressing. My mother never got all the pieces she was supposed to, and I feel angry about that, but sometimes you just have to let go of the annoyance and move on.
Right now there are a few ripples going on in my family again. A very dear relative has died. It's been a complicated situation around her care over the last couple of years so it's not as simple to sort out as you would hope. Neil told me last night to try and stay out of any chat about anything because it could all get a bit fraught, and I'll try to. But why does this happen? You would think that there would be so much sorrow that people would pull together, and I really hope this happens for us.
I have a friend who is renewing her vows today and her one regret is that her parents are not with her. She told me in a message yesterday how lucky I am to still have my parents in my life. I know I am. The majority of my colleagues and friends have only one, or no, parents alive. But I admit I'm also scared every time anyone their age dies, especially within the family. It shows me the mortality of my loved ones. Mum and I have discussed a few things over the last year as I have had to support them more and more, so I know her wishes at least and I will do everything in my power to make them happen. I know Neil and I will move in with them when it all gets too hard for them to cope. I know I will not let her linger in hospital, and I know that I will also do everything I can to avoid a hospital end of life. If that happens I will stay with her every minute of every day. Now I know it all sounds dramatic and improbably and difficult to do in reality, but I am determined in all of these and I will do it, however hard. My parents are the most wonderful of people and how can I not make their later years as good as I can? That is what love, respect and gratitude is all about. A lot of people have told me that it doesn't always work out the way you want it to, but I am a pretty stubborn person and very strong when it comes to things like that. I will not allow my parents to be afraid of what may come, hence my assurances to them. I feel very protective over them and yesterday when my father fell off a chair and hit his head on the desk, biting his tongue (so my mother tells me) I had to stop myself from racing over and checking they were both okay. They tell me they are perfectly capable of looking after themselves for the moment, and I have to allow them that independence because we all know it will come to an end at some point. It's very hard to do so.
I wish we were like some countries and celebrated wildly at a funeral. It's hard not to get morose talking about this sort of subject, but we are genuinely just not relaxed at doing it in the UK! It isn't wrong to plan ahead to make it easier for those left behind. I want people to laugh, and think of all the daft things I do, at my funeral. I want them to wear my favourite colours and I want them to remember me with a smile. That's also what I want to do for any of my family. Let's celebrate a life. Let's not bicker. Let's not make the whole experience a regret, but a time to remember with happiness. Remember them well.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/dealing-with-grief-and-loss/
https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/arrange-the-funeral
https://www.thecultureist.com/2016/04/26/cultures-around-world-celebrate-death/
https://www.bustle.com/articles/97030-5-interesting-death-and-funeral-rituals-around-the-world-from-mongolia-to-sweden
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