So what's this all about?

Three and a half months ago my husband had a breakdown. 

It had been building for well over a year and yet I still thought he was ok. Something happened at work and afterwards it prompted a huge discussion between us for a number of days. At the end of that time we both agreed that my husband, Neil, would hand in three months notice, ending at the beginning of January 2019. I completely agreed with his decision and fully supported him. I still know it was the right thing to do. He duly handed in his notice, with the aim being to use that time to look for a new job before his notice ran out. Two days after he handed in his notice my husband broke down in front of me. It was the scariest thing I’ve seen in my life. Just a normal Saturday afternoon and he collapsed in front of me and cried. I won’t go in to the details of that weekend, but on the Monday I telephoned my work and told them I needed to take my husband to the doctors. Neil was signed off for a two weeks with anxiety and given medication. He's still on medication and has never returned to his work.

We are now just past that deadline of notice and my husband is officially, after 22 years in that company, unemployed. He’s been paid sick pay during the last three months so we’ve been ok financially, but it’s been a roller coaster ride for both of us. Our doctor has been fantastic, and has been there for us with support and care, but two weeks after Neil's breakdown he was diagnosed with a ruptured bowel due to Diverticulitis. We didn’t even know he had it! So after a five day stay in hospital, worsening anxiety, and more sick certificates Neil also has a pending operation in a couple of weeks.

So this is where we are right now……..and why I am writing this blog. I have aging parents who need more and more support. Don’t get me wrong, they are fiercely independent and try so hard not to ask for help, but they do need it. I know perfectly well they don’t want to ask us to do anything because they are worried about Neil, but it weighs on my mind constantly. My job is in customer service working face to face with customers. I deal with complaints, queries and all sorts, so really need to keep calm and upbeat all the time. I need to smile at work and I need to smile at home, and that’s how I have felt for the last few months. I have cried gently and quickly, once or twice, in our bedroom away from anyone, but I knew it finally was time to rethink things after I woke up a couple of weeks ago and realised I had been crying in my dream.

I have no idea what led me to cry in that dream, or why, but I felt so sad when I woke up. It was like my life had passed by before I was ready for it to go. That’s why I have used the title. I don’t want this to be a sad blog, and I certainly don’t want it to be a depressing blog, so it wont be. I'll write about all sorts of things. About our four cats. About how we're managing Neil's anxiety, and how I feel inside. About my parents, my grown up sons, the world, the people around me and yes I may even mention Brexit, quel horreur! Welcome along for the ride.