One persons 'bad' is another persons 'ok'. We are all different......

I've been a bit whiny today. I could feel my face was quite blank at work and I struggled to smile. In fact it was a struggle all day, and at one point I felt like crying. 

This was so weird, particularly as yesterday in my blog I said how I didn't do that much any more! I have no idea why I felt like it as I woke up feeling pretty good, and my body felt better after resting most of the weekend. It seems like the sciatica I was diagnosed with last week kicked in big time, an hour or so into my work shift. I spent much of the day hobbling, and the drive home was fun, I can tell you. For some time I felt miserable and fed up.

But this evening I watched a program I'd recorded a while ago, 24 hours in A&E, and it's put my day in perspective. The program focused on two men who'd had separate accidents. One was playing football when he fell backwards and hit his head on a brick wall. He ended up with a serious bleed on the brain, and while he has mostly recovered, he's been left with a long rehabilitation ahead. The other man had crashed his motorbike. He was left with spinal injuries and paralysed from the chest down. 

When I look at how their lives have changed are my, and Neil's, ailments that bad in comparison? But then I suppose everyone copes with things in a different way. What feels bad for one person, may not be for another. We are all different, and when you are in the depths of despair you are fighting against yourself, as well as the world. That can make it difficult to see the sun through the cloud hanging over you. There is a lot of help out there, whether in the physical or in the virtual world but you have to reach out to it yourself if you suffer from anxiety or depression, and only you know when you are ready to do that. I know I've got frustrated inside with how Neil seems to be unable to lift himself out of his gloom, when I was able to do it much quicker. It's taken me a lot of weeks to understand that his feeling of panic and worry and lowness wasn't going to get better in the same time as it took me. I only had my experience to measure his by, and it's led me to make all sorts of suppositions. 

I've done a lot of reading on the internet, and I've gone to Neil's doctor appointments each time. The doctor has not only listened to Neil, but also to me, as an observer. I saw different things that Neil didn't. I saw his restlessness, his lack of concentration, his clumsiness. All symptoms that add up to the anxiety and low feeling. I also learnt that many men feel this way but find it hard to talk about it, either to other men or to their family. Neil certainly told the doctor on a number of occasions that he felt he should 'man up' and get on with things. In the beginning he kept saying to me that he felt he was 'letting me down' and he was 'disappointing me'. No amount of me telling him that it wasn't true made him believe it. Neil is getting better, and I know that because he hasn't said those words to me for a couple of days! He also made a joke on Tuesday at my parents. I cannot describe the relief that came over me. He's getting better, I thought. On Wednesday he wasn't quite so cheerful and I think it's really bought it home to me that this is going to be a long journey. But he's not alone because I am with him all the way!