Winter is here!

So are you ready for the snow storm? It seems the word on the street is that my area has an Amber Warning, and we could be snowed in by tomorrow. Actually that is a total exaggeration! My town is on the South Coast and we are very well sheltered. We almost have our own micro climate, and very rarely get snow, or any other nasty weather. That's possibly why so many people retire here? Saying that, I happily told the customers at work last year that 'we never get snow' and then it absolutely came with a vengeance. I remember getting up one morning and the snow was gently fluttering down.

 'Oh I can drive to work easily' I thought. 

So I drove to work, and then the little tufts of cotton ball like fluff turned in to a wild snow storm as 'The Beast From The East' arrived. By the time I finished my shift that day Neil had telephoned me and said no way was I driving home in my car, and he was coming to get me in his own car. The ten minute drive home turned in to a three quarters of an hour, pace of a snail, inch by inch, drive home. We watched in horror as cars slid on the hill we were driving up, and then felt the horror ourselves as we slid sideways in the snow. Fortunately none of the cars, or us, skidded in to each other but it made me realise what a good driver Neil is...….and that I would never have been able to drive home myself. The next day I promptly fell over as I tried to walk down the driveway, and decided no work for me. It appears a lot of people thought the same as I know my work was hardly manned at all.

So right now, as I sit in warmth and comfort on my sofa, the BBC News shows a lot of the Midlands is covered in snow. Parts of America have the worst chill of minus forty that they have ever seen, and in my town we have sleet! Oh hold on. I've looked out of the window and it is actually snowing! Well well!  It was raining at 5pm when I drove home, so the ground will be wet and the snow wont settle, naturally? Well we'll see wont we? I cant imagine what it must be like to live where it is really cold all the time, and most especially what Chicago is like at the moment. Watching a reporter there chuck boiling water from a flask into the air, and then see that water freeze immediately was fascinating, but scary to think it was that cold! Apparently people have been told to stay inside. Well that's one advice I would most definitely take. In fact I would be in bed, under a duvet with a hot water bottle, reading a book, most probably with fingerless gloves on. Oh and I'd have a cup of hot chocolate next to me too. Bliss. 

So I've looked out of the window again and the snow is now settling. It's blustering in the wind, and looks beautiful, but it'll be interesting to see what I'll wake up to. Our cat's have been a bit skitty this evening, and even though they are predominantly indoor animals I think they realise this is unusual weather for our area. Dylan in particular has been riveted to the window watching what's going on. So with that in mind I hope everyone stays safe and stay warm tonight. I also hope anyone homeless has been collected by the town Shelter people because it is bitterly cold and nasty out there, and I also hope that any animals outside, lost, wild or otherwise, have managed to find a place to keep safe. Winter has finally arrived.

To buy a Valentine's card or not to buy a Valentine's card? That is the question.

I was listening to two women talking next to me as I looked at the Valentine's cards in WHSmith today. Very interesting, and it's made me realise that not everyone is bothered about the whole 'February 14th' stuff. They were checking out the cards, pondering whether to buy a funny one or not,when one turned to the other and said "oh I might as well just give him last years' card" and they both nodded and laughed. Neil and I always buy a card for each other and sometimes a little chocolate. On the odd occasion we'll even buy one of the supermarket Valentine's Day meal deals and cook it together. We both know it's totally over commercialised, and if you love someone you don't need a particular day to show it, but we decided when we first met that buying a card enabled us to write how we are feeling towards the other partner, and that we appreciate them and what they do. We do say 'I love you' every day and pretty often through the day too. We cuddle, and we hold hands when we walk along together. So why bother with a card? Even though we've been married for 27 years now sometimes saying I love you an sound like it's being said out of habit. Both of us search for cards that say certain things inside, particularly if we are going through a tough time. Buying a card wont stop that but may just be a little lift in the I love you's? This year I want to find a card that expresses how much I admire Neil and am glad that we met and have been together for this long...……..and that I would like to be with him for always. Yes I know it's sounds all mushy and daft, and I could write it myself, but for some reason it's important to me. I know Neil feels the same because of the type of cards he buys me. There's a romantic in him after all!

People express love in all sorts of ways. Buying a Valentine's card is simply one small way of doing that. 

My ex husband used to buy me flowers every week, which I adored. We had very little money, but he would get paid every week on a Thursday and stop off at a garage on the way home, put petrol in the car and buy me a bunch. I appreciated it so much because I love flowers and it showed he cared about me, and what I liked. We divorced after 10 years and he still bought me flowers right up to the week we parted. Neil is different. He has bought me flowers now and again, and the bouquets have always been large and delivered. He knows I love flowers but buys them infrequently. Neil has explained to me that he does it like this because it's a way he can surprise me and make the 'giving' special. I must say they always arrive unexpected. A couple of times, when we were going out all those years ago, he sent me flowers, and it does amuse me to read the card for one of them now and again. It says 'I don't know what I have done but I am so sorry. I love you with all my heart. xxx'. Hmmm, I think I was probably horrible to him, and it was my fault as I know what I was like back then. I have mellowed a lot and relaxed as time has passed, thank goodness. There is no point in Neil buying me flowers now though, because, much as I adore them, one of our cats Mr Hugo, (coming up five years old), will not leave them alone. I have tried a few times to display flowers in a vase on the dining room table, or in the sitting room, only to come downstairs in the morning and find flowers beheaded with the leaves all over the place. He just cannot resist pulling them apart and so, after trying to hide them, put them up high where I think he cant reach them, and doing a lot of loud clapping to make him jump and stop when I see him biting them, I have given up. We don't have real flowers in the house. Fortunately it's the fashion to have fake flowers and plants at the moment so I have the odd one or two dotted about the house...…….and yes it's confused all the cats, and yes they still have tried to bite them!! 

Sometimes you just need let it all out.....

Tired, tired, tired! I'm tired therefore I am weepy. Not only that, but I ache today. If only I'd hadn't shouted out that I felt fine yesterday.

It seems I may have 'peaked' yesterday because today I am out of sorts. I did have a bit of a naff night tossing about though. I was thinking about the house my son and his wife have just moved in to, and so was a bit restless. It wasn't that I was worried about them though. It was just I was imagining how they could put their own stamp on it, and I really wish we had the money to help them do it. Oh for that lottery win!! I think part of me is so excited for them because I love decorating and titivating in our house. Neil always says he is grateful that our furniture has to stay pretty much in the same place or I would move it around all the time. I don't get bored, well not much, but I do like to ring in the changes. Just buying a few new cushions for the sofa, or maybe moving some ornaments make me happy. I like to 'dress' our bed too, with extra pillows and a throw, though the cats have a field day with them sometimes. I know it sounds a bit posh and it isn't at all, but I think it looks nice. In fact I'm surprised we can even get in bed sometimes as the cats like it so much. Our bedroom is quite warm too, so it's obvious really where all them end up. I'd love to put more cushions and throws on our bed, just like you see in some of the house magazines, but to be honest it is a bit of a trial to have to take them off every night. They don't mention that in any of those magazines! 

We also had to go and take some documents to the Universal Credit place as they wanted proof of our housing costs. Just the rent/mortgage, you understand. Not any bills. It makes me wonder how they are going to work out what money we need to live on. I suppose I am now a bit worried, though I wont say that to Neil. While we were there we could hear someone really complaining and maybe that's playing on my mind right now? That person was asking how anyone expected him to live at all with the delay in his money (you have to wait five weeks for any benefit). In the end he just said to the Universal Credit agent that if he didn't get any money soon he would end up evicted from his home because he couldn't pay his rent. It was sobering to listen to, and reminded me that it is all too easy to ignore the homeless, but we are all one step away from it ourselves. Anyway, I felt a bit low when I got home and suddenly had a bit of a weep. I was absolutely mortified! I really didn't want Neil to see me like that as he has enough to deal with his anxieties and bowel problems, but he simply hugged me and said he was surprised I hadn't done it before today. I have once or twice, but never in front of him, since he broke down months ago. Anyway it's reminded me again that we are 'in this together', and his difficulties are mine and visa versa. After all, we've been married for almost 27 years now and have shared everything, from highs to lows, sideways and upside-downs. We're a team and always will be. ❤

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/

https://www.gov.uk/emergency-housing-if-homeless

When a bit of exercise does your arthritis good!

I'm still on a little bit of a high after all the moving furniture yesterday.  I do ache all over and had to take painkillers last night, but I think the exercise did me good. 

It's amazing how the body can be 'pushed' to do things you don't think it can do. My rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia can cause considerable stiffness in my limbs. I have a particular problem with my knees and initially, yesterday, I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to cope with going up and down the stairs carrying boxes. Actually, apart from close to the finish where I ended up having to almost claw myself up the banisters to get boxes, I managed just fine. 

Apparently exercise is better for rheumatoid arthritis than sitting around 'resting' and I can certainly attest to that. At work I look after the Customer Service area and that means I am constantly moving around doing a variety of things. It also means that I can pace myself and move how I feel able to, without impacting on my body too much. I certainly notice if I sit around too much in the evening as, when I get up from the sofa, I'm all full of exclamations of annoyance trying to walk about. Neil has been known to laugh, albeit in sympathy, as he watches me hobble out to the kitchen. Sad huh? Once I'm up and about for ten minutes or so, I seem to be better at walking about without seeming to have to bend at an angle to accommodate the stiffness! 

I thought all the exercise yesterday would cause a flare up today, but so far so good. I'm so much better than I thought I would be, only just as stiff as I would expect if I was bodily healthy. It just goes to show that either my medication is really working, or I am not actually as bad as I think I am....or the doctors think I am? I do have blood tests regularly, and a yearly visit to the arthritis clinic, but it's something I need to think about! I've checked out more information on line about the arthritis because it's been ages since I have done that. The trouble is that you end up simply carrying on doing what you've always done, coping in the way you always have done, when in fact maybe you could be helping yourself in a different way? I do know that the recommendation is to strike a balance between rest and exercise. Rest will make inflamed joints feel more comfortable, but without movement the joints will stiffen and the muscles will become weaker. It all depends on how you as an individual feel. I haven't had a flare up for ages but in the beginning when Neil was ill I had a couple of days with my joints playing up. I definitely think stress plays a huge part in how I cope with it too. 

So for now, today, I feel ok. Neil seems on a high too. I think we both feel the satisfaction of doing something constructive...…….and getting a good night's sleep!

Rheumatoid arthritis symptoms

The main symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis are joint pain, swelling and stiffness. It may also cause more general symptoms, and inflammation in other parts of the body.The symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis often develop gradually over several weeks, but some cases can progress quickly over a number of days and vary from person to person. They can come and go, and may change over time. You may occasionally experience flares when your condition deteriorates and your symptoms become more severe.

Rheumatoid arthritis mainly affects the joints. It can cause problems in any joint in the body, although the small joints in the hands and feet are often the first to be affected.It typically affects the joints symmetrically (both sides of the body at the same time and to the same extent), but this isn't always the case. As well as problems affecting the joints, some people with rheumatoid arthritis experience a range of more general symptoms, such as:

• tiredness and a lack of energy
• a high temperature (fever)
• sweating
• a poor appetite
• weight loss 

Fibromyalgia symptoms

Fibromyalgia has many symptoms that tend to vary from person to person. The main symptom is widespread pain.There may be periods when your symptoms get better or worse, depending on factors such as:

• your stress levels
• changes in the weather
• how physically active you are

If you have fibromyalgia, one of the main symptoms is likely to be widespread pain. This may be felt throughout your body, but could be worse in particular areas, such as your back or neck. The pain is likely to be continuous, although it may be better or more severe at different times and could feel like an ache, a burning sensation or even a sharp stabbing pain. It can also make you extremely sensitive to pain all over your body, and you may find that even the slightest touch is painful. Fibromyalgia can cause extreme tiredness and affect your sleep so you feel very fatigued. Worse still is something known as 'fibro-fog' where you have trouble concentrating on things or memory troubles.

The future looks brighter at last.

Well what a busy, busy weekend we have had. Yesterday morning we ran around doing a really careful shop for food. I am determined to be more careful with my spending, so the bills were paid first and also my charity donations. I sort of spoke to Neil about it in the car yesterday and said I was going to stop some direct debits, but he was horrified, especially as I wouldn't really say which ones. It still breaks my heart to do it, but I really will have to think about saving money once I know what we will get as an income. Neil didn't say much when I told him,but he did ask me to hang fire, so until D-Day 9th February when I know what Universal Credit will give us, I'll do as he asks. Anyway we bought larger packs of meat to divide up and put in the freezer, after all there is only two of us, and we can expand the meat meals with beans and vegetables. This will be healthier and probably more filling, but I am going to have to look for recipes. It will also help with portion control. The media has been full of articles about what a 'portion' is like and it's been a bit of an eye opener. There is a Eat Well guide by Public Health England 
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-eatwell-guide, 
and there are all sorts of items you can download and read. I've decided to try and make time to bake a cake each weekend, and maybe make some flapjacks or something similar instead of biscuits. That way I can reduce the sugar content too. This could all involve a raid on my cupboards as I know I have lots of bits of baking things around, like cake cases, nuts, coconut, etc. I am going to get creative…….maybe. ?

Saturday afternoon I caught up on the usual mundane housework and then we relaxed with a film in the evening. 

Today has been mad! 

Our youngest son and his wife moved from the tiniest upstairs flat you can imagine nearby into a three bedroom semi detached house an hour away from us. They did a DIY move, which involved two of their friends getting a van, and then us all moving furniture down the steep narrow stairs and into it. Sounds easy until you try and man handle a sofa down those stairs. It was bitterly cold today, with a gusty chilly wind blowing, but we didn't feel the cold with all the puffing and panting of the move. It's taken us all day and I can feel the stiffness setting in already. I dread to think how my son and wife are feeling as they have still to unpack, whereas we can flop on the sofa and try not to go to sleep before bedtime! I think I will ache tomorrow though?

Neil was amazing today. He seemed to really come in to his own, though he was tired in the end. He guided us all, and manoeuvred furniture round bends, and generally took charge. It's showed me he will get totally better, and will get the job he wants, and we will get back to our normal lives. The future looks brighter at last...…..

Reality Check

I've had a bit of a reality check this morning about how Neil and my lives are going to change over the next couple of months. I've been in denial really, not even thinking about our situation until now. 

Just to explain again, by October 2018  Neil was under extreme stress at his work of 22 years. It had been going on for almost a year and a half, and after a lot of talking between us we decided to reduce a lot of our outgoings and he would look for another job. Scary at the age of 53! Neil decided to give in three months notice with the idea that he could look for jobs during that time, and he duly did this. His notice was to end in the last week of January 2019.  Neither of us had realised how much strain Neil had been under, and two days after he had handed in his notice he had a breakdown. Around three weeks after that breakdown he was admitted to hospital for five days with a perforated bowel, due to Diverticulitis. He's had a colposcopy since then, is waiting for a biopsy operation, and is on antidepressants and anxiety tablets. Up to the first week in January he had been getting full pay from his work, but that has now ended. He gets paid a month in arrears so we will have money until part of February. We've applied for Universal Credit, and hopefully will get some money around the 10th of February. Neil can't apply for a job just yet as he has the operation coming up, though we don't know when. I work part time. 

I've been living in cloud cuckoo land! 

We've still been living like we were before Neil was off. I've just looked at a note in the Universal Credit journal (it's all done on line) and they want details of my housing costs.  Obviously it's 'our' housing costs, but as I work part time they will adjust the money they give us according to my income. It's finally brought it home to me that we will have to really tighten our belts, and I need to start waking up to what may happen if we don't. I make direct debit donations to three animal charities every month. I will have to cut those out at the end of this month? Is it silly to admit it breaks my heart to do that? I also research my family tree as a hobby, and so pay a monthly subscription to two family history web sites. I need to stop those at the end of the month. I buy magazines once a month. That is a luxury as I can read those on line so need to cut that out...….I go to the library to borrow books all the time anyway. We eat well but now I need to really look at what we buy. Huh, maybe I will lose weight if I don't eat all the cake and biscuits I've been doing? We bung the heating on at any time, and maybe now I need to think about that too. It all sounds so dramatic but realistically we need to do this, even for a short few months (hopefully) and adjust our way of life. 

I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but I am not. Lot's of people have to do this and we've been incredibly lucky that we haven't had to do it before now. I feel so guilty though, because I haven't told Neil that my credit card is up to it's limit....again.....and I'm using my overdraft. I am absolutely dreading telling him because it's another thing to add to his worry. I've been silly and thoughtless and now have to face the facts. Writing this all here has made it real, and I needed that. I'm not going to beat myself up about the situation because some of it is of my own making, but now I need to change. It's a challenge I will embrace and meet full on because lots of people have to, and I can do it too!

Love sees you through it all..........and chocolate helps too!

I have immense pride in the British NHS but sometimes it is under so much pressure. 

Neil was told three weeks ago, after his day appointment, that he would need another colposcopy under anesthetic in four weeks to take a biopsy. He hadn't received an appointment by the end of last week, and after telephoning to find out what was happening, was told to try again this week. He rang the hospital today to chase up the appointment and was told that he couldn't be seen until the end of February, early March. No operation until then, and they still couldn't give him a definite date. It's knocked him flat and edged up his anxiety considerably because, as he says, he just cant move forward with his life. Neil can't apply for any jobs because we don't know what is going to happen over the next couple of months, or whether he is going to need more operations or treatment. On the one hand I suppose it's good that it's going to take longer to have this operation in a way, because if the hospital thought his Diverticulitis polyps were cancerous they would have surely rushed the appointment, but they haven't. Therefore the conclusion for us must be that the doctors think the polyps are benign? That's positive. What's sad is that it appears to have pushed Neil back a little in how he is feeling in himself. Still, I have shoved the Lego over to him, and hopefully that will take his mind off it all? :-) I'll have to buy him some more soon!

It may come across all flippant when I talk about Neil making Lego models and what's going on, but you have to balance your life between the rough and the smooth. Work hard, but make sure you rest and relax too. We've always tried to divide our weekends up in to visiting my parents, food shopping and then trying to chill. Sunday has always been a family day with a roast lunch. Now the boys have grown up and left home to live with their partners, Neil and I try to make sure Sunday is 'our day'. We don't always do much. Maybe go for a short walk along the beach in the summer, or for a picnic in the New Forest, or have a 'duvet day' in the cold winter. Sometimes I'll cook us a roast dinner, or we just have cheese and crackers. It's the time spent together that's important to us. We did say last year that we would try to have a night out at least once a month but that's gone by the wayside. 28 years ago when we were going out we didn't really have anywhere to go as we had hardly any money. We would sit in the car for hours on end, wrapped in blankets, and listen to tapes with our favourite music on. The sun would set in the evening,and the views were beautiful where we parked, and we would just be content in our own company. Once we got our flat all we wanted to do was stay inside, be warm (!) and relax after work. It all sounds idyllic, but it was a difficult time in reality. My past has been a bit muddled, and I've made a few mistakes, but love has seen us through!

Love is what has held us together through these last couple of months too. We have eventually been able to talk about how we've both been feeling. Our lives and relationships are still a work in progress, as is everything, but we all learn as we go along. Every day is a learning day! So things I have learnt today....

1. If you make the effort to smile at people they will usually smile back at you.

2. A cuddle makes all the difference when you are feeling a bit down.

3. That box of Quality Street you bought reduced, after Christmas to save for Easter, tastes great when you desperately need chocolate.

4. A cat purring next to you is extremely calming, and can send you to sleep when you are sitting on the sofa relaxing after stuffing yourself with chocolate.

Lego models, crotchet cushions and the joy of hobbies........

I'm sitting here watching my husband make a Lego model, thinking about how the years have passed. He's only really started to make the models in the last three years and it's turned in to a huge hobby. I honestly didn't realise how many adult men 'play' with Lego!! The Branch Manager of the shop where I work had a garage full of Lego. He didn't let his sons play with it as they had their own, and he even had a complete Lego railway. My eldest son asked for an expensive Lego model for his fortieth birthday, and I suppose it's something he can always keep and is a nice memory. I've been told that if you buy certain models, and then never open the box so they stay in pristine condition, they could be worth a lot of money at some point in the future!! I can't really see the point of that, but maybe I just don't have the insider knowledge of creating a Lego inheritance? To be honest I don't see the excitement of building a Lego model either, but it's been very therapeutic for Neil. It's given him something to focus on and forget about any stress he's feeling. The only down side to it all is that we've had to buy a new cupboard to put all the models in, and that one is full so now I am wondering where we are going to put the model he is making. It is HUGE! 

Have you ever tried to dust Lego? It's better off in a cupboard believe me. 

I do love the concentration on Neil's face as he sorts through and constructs it...….

When I had some knee operations some years ago I couldn't do much, so decided to go back to my teenage years and start to crotchet. I had a great time, and loved every minute of making covers for all the cushions on the sofa. I think Neil and my sons were totally bemused by the rather old fashioned covers that appeared over the six months I was off work, but I thought they looked great. They probably lasted a year before I got fed up with the cat's getting heir claws stuck in the holes of the wool, and trying to wrestle them to the floor. I'm back to normal fabric covers now. 

I tend to relax and forget about any problems or stress by reading books, actual real books not reading on a kindle or tablet. I like to feel the book, and turn the paper pages and that's all part of the pleasure for me. I have always like reading and confess to even reading a book while on the loo. I must get that from my father and grandfather who did it too. Apparently, the toilet was the only place my grandfather could escape from his family of wife and four daughters for a bit of peace and quiet, so he would hide in there with a book! A couple of years ago I also started to trace my family ancestors, and have created quite a comprehensive family tree. It fascinates me, and I just wish I had spoken more to my grandparents about their lives. It makes me realise that you need to cling to your family, and listen to the stories of your parents and your relatives, because the past is what defines and makes us. You can learn so much from those around us, and once they are gone all those fabulous tales will be lost.

So, Neil is still building his model and I can see he is really enjoying himself. Do I understand? Nope! But am I glad he is relaxing and forgetting for a while? Oh yes. I do love him.

When you support a person with anxiety or depression who supports you?

There was a lot of coverage in the media today about Victoria Pendleton. She has suffered from severe depression, enough to want to end her life. I found it so sad to read her story and realise that she had felt so bad inside. I've never felt that way and I don't think Neil has, even in the depths of both our anxieties. One of the first questions a doctor will ask, if you go to them and say you are feeling anxious or depressed, is 'have you any feelings of wanting to harm yourself?' I remember being appalled when I was asked this, years ago. Absolutely not, I said. Neil also said the same thing to the doctor, and hopefully he didn't see my sigh of relief as I sat next to him. To be honest I think I had been too scared to ask him exactly how awful he felt. Both Neil and I were diagnosed with anxiety (years ago for me, as I've mentioned in a previous post) not depression, though Neil now takes medication for both. Maybe that is why we didn't feel in the dark depths of despair that Victoria Pendleton did? 
https://anxietyexit.com/anxiety-and-depression/

It's interesting what calms a person. We have four cats, not that we intended to have that many! Neil and I have always shared our lives with cats, and I've grown up having cats involved in our family. You can probably tell I like cats very much? But did you know it's been clinically proven that owning a pet, or having a pet in the family, can help you feel calmer? Mind you it can be anything but calming if you have young pets racing around! Ours are aged four and seven so that manic time has passed, just about. Apparently a person with anxiety may feel calmer by focusing on the needs of something or someone else, and a pet provides a good distraction. Certainly our four boys do give us lots of happiness, and when you have a cat in the crook of your arm fast asleep it is rather soothing to the soul. Maybe that's why cat cafes are doing so well? Eat good food in a calming environment with cats around. How much better can it get? Well maybe things like volunteering at an animal rescue centre, or a hospital or a library or whatever takes your fancy? The problem with some types of mental health is that the 'whatever takes your fancy' just isn't there, that's why you feel the way you do. 

My work helps to distracts me from what is happening with Neil. 

I feel guilty when I leave him but have to get on with my life while being supportive. I need to work anyway, or we will struggle financially, but it isn't easy to walk out the door when you know the person you love and care for feels so anxious. 

I didn't know the range of emotions I would go through over the last couple of months either. While Neil has had a lot of the physical symptoms I think I have had the emotional symptoms? I've felt worried he was suffering, scared he wasn't managing, angry our lives had changed so much, happy when I could see glimmers of the husband I knew before. It's actually really hard to find information to help the person supporting someone with anxiety or depression, because sometimes the whole situation can be overwhelming. Just because you appear strong doesn't mean you actually are. I was fortunate because my DM at work had been signed off for two weeks and then returned to work just before Neil was diagnosed. He spoke to me about how he had felt, and how it's often hard for the man to admit there is a problem. Even better for me (sorry) was the fact he talked about how his wife had felt because they had talked about it together. I've been quite careful to appear the strong person around Neil, after all he's always supported me, but inside I have struggled. It's good to know someone who has experienced something similar to Neil is around for me to ask questions and talk to at least. I do understand that Neil and I need to keep the lines of communication open too.

So now all I need to do is stroke our cats, and get Neil to do the same, and we are on our way to healing.. Sounds flippant but actually it does help, unless you trod in cat vomit or a cat squeaky toy at 2am!!!!! So let's test the scientific study and try it. A cat cuddle every day. Watch this space...……..

Feed your body to heal your body and mind? Does that work?

Neil and I haven't really been that sensible with our eating habits over the years. 

We've pretty much eaten how we want with desserts after dinner a lot of the time, and the odd takeaway now and again. We buy doughnuts and cake, and I love baking. We've been fortunate because we have been able to afford to buy what we want to eat, within reason. If I look back we could have done so much better. I mean we both knew we should have been eating more sensibly but I suppose we've been indulging ourselves. Once Neil was diagnosed with his anxiety and the Diverticulitis I started to look at ways to help him get better. Yes, he has medication, but I wanted to compliment it and look at both of us being more healthy. 

My parents have always had a fabulous garden, growing plenty of vegetables, salad and fruit. They have had an allotment in the past, and always bought organic free range meat. Dad made his own bread and beer and wine, and mum always cooked from scratch with fresh ingredients, and baked her cakes and biscuits. They rarely used additional salt but herbs and spices instead, and this was all while dad worked full time, and mum worked part time and then later took in students. They still prepare their food and eat in exactly the same way. I have no idea where I went wrong! But Neil's problems has made me rethink. There is a lot of information around about how food can really help your body and mind to heal and stay healthy. Yesterday there was a big article in the daily newspaper all about how herbs can help in a number of ways. For example the herbs peppermint, chamomile, rosemary and lavender have been proven to have an impact on mood and memory. They can be infused in water to make a tea, sniffed or added to meals to get the benefits, and there have been countess studies to show this. There are also many foods that enhance the mood, like bananas or chicken or dark chocolate (yippee!) and so I am trying to incorporate a lot of these in our daily meals.(http://www.eatingwell.com/article/141652/7-foods-to-boost-your-mood/) Neil also has a particular diet he needs to adhere to for the Diverticulitis.(https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Diverticular-disease-and-diverticulitis/,  and  https://www.healthline.com/health/diverticulitis-diet-list-of-foods-to-avoid#foods-to-consider)

I am also a believer in your body telling you what it 'needs'. I often have spells where I will crave a certain food and need to eat it for days, and sometimes weeks, on end. It can be a baked potato that I will feel almost compelled to eat every evening for ages. Maybe a boiled egg and a slice of grain toast every morning, or as is current a whole avocado, cottage cheese, tomatoes and celery seeds with a couple of grain crackers every lunch time. I've been eating that combination now for three weeks. Of course it could just be that I fancy this food and it has become a habit. That would scupper my theory! Obviously there are very physical ways your body can tell you that you are overeating, for example. Your clothes get tighter and you put on weight. But did you know that if you crave carbs like pasta or bread, it could be that your body is telling you may not be getting enough sleep. If your body’s tired it wants a quick hit of energy, which the glucose in carbs provides, because it’s easier to use than the energy provided by sources such as protein and fat. Take a look at some of these...….Fat cravings: Do you have enough healthy saturated fat in your diet (ie. lard, butter, coconut oil, avocado, olive oil, cream, etc.)? This is especially important if you have ever been on a low-fat diet. Healthy fats are your friend– and they don’t make you fat! You may have noticed that cravings for things like avocado, butter, and cream are common, but cravings for unhealthy oils like soy or canola are not common. Take a hint from your cravings and choose healthy fats that your body actually craves. Salt cravings: Your body wants chloride. Your best bet here is to make sure you get some unrefined salt in your diet. Cravings for salt are also often a clue of chronic stress. Under the stress response, you lose more sodium, and naturally want to consume more to compensate for the loss. Listen to your body and salt your food as your taste buds see fit. Sugar cravings: Sugar (glucose) is the body’s primary source of energy and is needed to fuel cellular energy production. When your intake is not sufficient, through dieting for example, your body starts the inflammatory process of breaking down fat and proteins to make glucose. Fruits, roots, and below ground veggies are the best choices, along with honey, maple syrup, and small amounts of sucrose.Chocolate cravings: Cravings for chocolate can be due to the need for magnesium or copper, but it’s more commonly for magnesium.  Magnesium is lost rapidly under the stress response, so it’s very common to have cravings for magnesium-rich foods. Try darker chocolates and seek out other sources of magnesium such as fresh fruits or transdermal sources.Lemon/lime/vinegary food cravings: If you commonly crave acidic foods, you could be low in stomach acid. Strong stomach acid is your body’s first line of defense and serves the purpose of sterilizing your food, disinfecting the stomach, and breaking down your foods. When your stomach acid isn’t adequate, it starts a cascade of digestive dysfunction leading to digestive discomfort, such as constipation and more.Red meat cravings: You could be low in iron, zinc or amino acids. Also, if you regularly consume red meat, and still have cravings, you might not be digesting it correctly. Poor digestion is a common symptom of a slowed metabolism often a result of dieting and ignoring your body’s needs. Additionally, if you find yourself having a strong food aversion to red meat, it may be a good idea to get your iron levels checked to rule out a body overload of iron.

I must admit to not having mentioned any of this to Neil, so I will ask him and see if he feels a continual craving for any particular foods. It would be interesting to see if his anxiety, in particular, has made his body go into healing mode by getting him to want to eat certain things? I'll let you know.

One persons 'bad' is another persons 'ok'. We are all different......

I've been a bit whiny today. I could feel my face was quite blank at work and I struggled to smile. In fact it was a struggle all day, and at one point I felt like crying. 

This was so weird, particularly as yesterday in my blog I said how I didn't do that much any more! I have no idea why I felt like it as I woke up feeling pretty good, and my body felt better after resting most of the weekend. It seems like the sciatica I was diagnosed with last week kicked in big time, an hour or so into my work shift. I spent much of the day hobbling, and the drive home was fun, I can tell you. For some time I felt miserable and fed up.

But this evening I watched a program I'd recorded a while ago, 24 hours in A&E, and it's put my day in perspective. The program focused on two men who'd had separate accidents. One was playing football when he fell backwards and hit his head on a brick wall. He ended up with a serious bleed on the brain, and while he has mostly recovered, he's been left with a long rehabilitation ahead. The other man had crashed his motorbike. He was left with spinal injuries and paralysed from the chest down. 

When I look at how their lives have changed are my, and Neil's, ailments that bad in comparison? But then I suppose everyone copes with things in a different way. What feels bad for one person, may not be for another. We are all different, and when you are in the depths of despair you are fighting against yourself, as well as the world. That can make it difficult to see the sun through the cloud hanging over you. There is a lot of help out there, whether in the physical or in the virtual world but you have to reach out to it yourself if you suffer from anxiety or depression, and only you know when you are ready to do that. I know I've got frustrated inside with how Neil seems to be unable to lift himself out of his gloom, when I was able to do it much quicker. It's taken me a lot of weeks to understand that his feeling of panic and worry and lowness wasn't going to get better in the same time as it took me. I only had my experience to measure his by, and it's led me to make all sorts of suppositions. 

I've done a lot of reading on the internet, and I've gone to Neil's doctor appointments each time. The doctor has not only listened to Neil, but also to me, as an observer. I saw different things that Neil didn't. I saw his restlessness, his lack of concentration, his clumsiness. All symptoms that add up to the anxiety and low feeling. I also learnt that many men feel this way but find it hard to talk about it, either to other men or to their family. Neil certainly told the doctor on a number of occasions that he felt he should 'man up' and get on with things. In the beginning he kept saying to me that he felt he was 'letting me down' and he was 'disappointing me'. No amount of me telling him that it wasn't true made him believe it. Neil is getting better, and I know that because he hasn't said those words to me for a couple of days! He also made a joke on Tuesday at my parents. I cannot describe the relief that came over me. He's getting better, I thought. On Wednesday he wasn't quite so cheerful and I think it's really bought it home to me that this is going to be a long journey. But he's not alone because I am with him all the way! 

Even though you may have had anxiety it doesnt mean you know how someone else is feeling. Everyone's anxiety is different......

My husband said something to me yesterday evening which I found highly amusing. I had just made quite a mess eating some pistachio nuts, and a few bits were scattered on the floor. Neil turned to me in horror and said "Hey I hoovered earlier"! Now that may not sound funny to you but it was both hilarious and poignant to me. On the one hand it showed me that he could be on the way back to being his normal self, but on the other hand it reminded me that he was out of work and doing one of the household jobs that I've always done. We've always shared housework as we both have outside jobs, but as my job is part time and he was full time, I tended to do the majority. I did the hoovering. 

Our lives have changed rather dramatically in the last couple of months, and looks to carry on that way. 

I've been signed off work quite some years ago with anxiety and so I thought I would be able to help Neil through his, but it doesn't always happen that way. My anxiety was alien to me. I couldn't stop crying, and would cry at the drop of a hat, and for no reason that I could see. I really couldn't stop. I'd feel my lip quiver and that was it, away I went. Neil was at a loss, and he tried so hard to help me by telling me he was there if I wanted to talk, and he would hold me as I cried. Nothing seemed to help, and when it impacted on my work I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I went by myself, I got signed off work and offered counselling and medication, both of which I accepted. During the three weeks I was off work the weather was gorgeous so I got myself in to a routine. I would make sure the house was tidy first, sort out the cats and prepare dinner for the evening. I would then walk the five minutes down the road to our local shop and buy the daily paper and one bread roll. This made me get out of the house and also talk to another person, even if it was just a hello. I would then spend the day reading, while sitting on our swing seat in the garden in the sun. It was calming and allowed me to totally forget anything I was worried about, subconsciously or consciously. I was fortunate to get counselling very quickly and it did take an effort to get on a bus and go to the doctor's surgery for it, but I did. I spent the first session crying the whole time, but over the next few times I was able to talk things out. There never was a definitive answer as to why I cried all the time. Maybe it was just that I had felt overwhelmed at always being the person 'there for everyone', and always being the 'doer' at work and home. I'd always smile, and always look like I was coping, but inside I was obviously crashing big time. I just didn't know it. 

I remember Neil once saying to me "you're so lucky, you're so confident". Sometimes apparent confidence hides a multitude of insecurities. What you appear like on the outside is often nothing like you are feeling on the inside, and many apparently confident outgoing people will testify to that fact. I tried to explain this to Neil, but even today, I am not sure he really 'gets it'. 

I was able to have a phased return to work after three weeks and that helped me to move onward with my anxiety. I still get 'moments' where I will cry, but they are far fewer, and it's taken a number of years to get where I am today. I do feel being diagnosed with an underactive thyroid, and later with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, helped me to understand there may have been the addition of  an underlying cause to how I felt, too. I had thought my experience would enable me to support Neil but I am actually struggling to help him. I've realised that every persons anxiety is different and unique to them. What's worse is that I am going through a range of emotions myself, from worry, to fear, to helplessness, to anger and back again, in a constant whirlwind. It's been a rude awakening to find that I may not be able to help him. Only he can help himself.

So what's this all about?

Three and a half months ago my husband had a breakdown. 

It had been building for well over a year and yet I still thought he was ok. Something happened at work and afterwards it prompted a huge discussion between us for a number of days. At the end of that time we both agreed that my husband, Neil, would hand in three months notice, ending at the beginning of January 2019. I completely agreed with his decision and fully supported him. I still know it was the right thing to do. He duly handed in his notice, with the aim being to use that time to look for a new job before his notice ran out. Two days after he handed in his notice my husband broke down in front of me. It was the scariest thing I’ve seen in my life. Just a normal Saturday afternoon and he collapsed in front of me and cried. I won’t go in to the details of that weekend, but on the Monday I telephoned my work and told them I needed to take my husband to the doctors. Neil was signed off for a two weeks with anxiety and given medication. He's still on medication and has never returned to his work.

We are now just past that deadline of notice and my husband is officially, after 22 years in that company, unemployed. He’s been paid sick pay during the last three months so we’ve been ok financially, but it’s been a roller coaster ride for both of us. Our doctor has been fantastic, and has been there for us with support and care, but two weeks after Neil's breakdown he was diagnosed with a ruptured bowel due to Diverticulitis. We didn’t even know he had it! So after a five day stay in hospital, worsening anxiety, and more sick certificates Neil also has a pending operation in a couple of weeks.

So this is where we are right now……..and why I am writing this blog. I have aging parents who need more and more support. Don’t get me wrong, they are fiercely independent and try so hard not to ask for help, but they do need it. I know perfectly well they don’t want to ask us to do anything because they are worried about Neil, but it weighs on my mind constantly. My job is in customer service working face to face with customers. I deal with complaints, queries and all sorts, so really need to keep calm and upbeat all the time. I need to smile at work and I need to smile at home, and that’s how I have felt for the last few months. I have cried gently and quickly, once or twice, in our bedroom away from anyone, but I knew it finally was time to rethink things after I woke up a couple of weeks ago and realised I had been crying in my dream.

I have no idea what led me to cry in that dream, or why, but I felt so sad when I woke up. It was like my life had passed by before I was ready for it to go. That’s why I have used the title. I don’t want this to be a sad blog, and I certainly don’t want it to be a depressing blog, so it wont be. I'll write about all sorts of things. About our four cats. About how we're managing Neil's anxiety, and how I feel inside. About my parents, my grown up sons, the world, the people around me and yes I may even mention Brexit, quel horreur! Welcome along for the ride.